I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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