Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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