operation have a gay friend backfired
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
