I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
