my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
PANTIES FOUND
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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