Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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