i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
