3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
