Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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