I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's rum buckets o'clock
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
