she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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