Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
