community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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