It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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