I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
