Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
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Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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