Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
