just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
