if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
