My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
