Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
