Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
