i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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