I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
