Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He kissed a someone with a penis
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
