I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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