Screwed.edu
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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