Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
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Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
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Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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