My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
