I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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