What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I wear drunk well.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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