dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
