you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
