Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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