did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
