Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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