HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
