Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
