I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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