The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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