Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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