I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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