Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
