I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
