woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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