I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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