On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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