Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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