I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
