You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
