Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
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I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
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Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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