Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
