i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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