You're so nebulous sometimes
someone threw a dead crab at me
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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