I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
