There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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