My room smells like vodka and shame
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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