i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
