Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
There's always time for handjobs
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
