Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
