Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
