I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
